What To Do When Your Teen Is Keeping Secrets
Here are tips on how to get your child to open up and talk to you
We are often shocked when we discover that our teenager is keeping secrets from us. We find ourselves questioning the bond of trust that we have tried so hard to build with her over the years. While it can be frustrating and heartbreaking, it’s good to remember that we were once teenagers, and keeping secrets from our parents is perfectly normal and part of growing up.
Teenagers will only talk when they are ready. The more you push them to talk, the more likely they will keep mum on an issue. If you have discovered a secret that they have been trying to hide from you, fight the urge to confront them with it, unless it is dangerous and life-threatening. Otherwise, you will not be the first to know something significant that happened to them the next time.
Find the right timing
Timing is everything. Allow them to unwind first after a long day before engaging them in a conversation. Catch them when they are already relaxed and in a good mood to talk. You will only get the silent treatment is you insist on talking to your teenager when she is tired or hungry.
Teens are so attuned to our feelings, so they can easily sense when we are out to wrestle a secret or truth out of them. Says Sheila Neukom, mom to Bel, 16, and Nina, 17, “I usually take advantage of our drive home from school since this is when they become chatty. I find that it is best to talk less and listen more when your teenagers start telling you things. They tend to freely share ‘classified information’ when I do not interrupt and ask too many personal questions.”
Teens like their parents to be around. What they do not like is a helicopter mom who keeps hovering around them. Keep your distance and respect their space. If they want to talk to their friends more than you, do not make a big fuss about it. Instead, let them know that you are available in case they need an extra pair of ears to listen.
When your teen comes to you with a secret, try not to under or over react. Nobody wants to talk to a parent who does not seem to care or who has a tendency to freak out. It takes a lot for a teen to come forward, so take time to hear them out. And remember, they come not to be judged but to be understood.
Keep their secret a secret
While it is amusing to learn about the embarrassing moment that happened or the boys that interests them, it is good to remember that teens take this whole secret-keeping thing seriously. They won’t like it if you share their secret with someone, however good your intentions are.
This article was originally published in Working Mom August 2015 issue.