Stephanie Zubiri’s Thoughtful Words for Parents Raising Children on the Spectrum

“Why?” It’s a question that all kids ask (and all parents must endure and indulge). 

The parenting experience levels up when kids start to demand explanations for everything, considering that answers need to be developmentally appropriate yet engaging, truthful yet simple. Things become a tad bit more complicated when a child with special needs poses the question. They see the world differently than most of us do and thus, regular answers don’t always cut it.

Women like Stephanie Zubiri, a doting mom to Max, her son with Autism Spectrum Disorder, give parents a starting point for how to care for kids with special needs. Stephanie discovered Max was neurodivergent in 2020 when she noticed signs that indicated that he was unlike his peers and his older brother, Seb. At the first opportunity, she brought him to a specialist who confirmed her suspicion: Max was indeed on the spectrum. Without hesitation, Stephanie adjusted her routines, did research, and reworked her life to accommodate his needs. 

“I didn’t shy away from it,” she shares.

“I really went the opposite of what most parents do, which is like trying to seek a second opinion so that they’ll say he’s okay. I was like, ‘I would rather walk it back, rather than be like I didn’t do enough…’ I just wanted to make sure I did everything I could and took action,” she adds.

This is the first thing she wants parents in a similar scenario to understand: while it’s a little (or really) scary to be told your child has autism—a lifelong condition that often requires regular therapy sessions—it hurts more than helps to question a diagnosis. It’s more constructive for parents to direct their energy to understanding autism, how it’s affecting their child, and what can be done to improve their child’s quality of life. 

Secondly, while parents bravely deal with this situation, she reminds them to be kind to themselves.

“Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault,” she says. 

Often, parents of children with autism find fault in themselves. The disorder has a strong genetic component, which means parents might wonder if they might have contributed to this in any way. 

“The sooner you stop blaming yourself and feeling sorry for yourself and your child, the sooner you can take action, which means the sooner you can help your child,” Stephanie states. 

Thirdly, it’s true that a child with autism will indeed require more attention. For Stephanie and Max, this meant doing things such as experimenting with food that helped with mood and good behavior, observing that bright lights and booming noises caused him distress, and accepting that he needed things at home to be arranged in a particular way for him to feel collected and calm. Giving a child on the autism spectrum extra TLC is necessary, but this should be done without neglecting the needs of other family members, especially other children.

“...It came to a point where Seb was like, ‘Why do I always have to adjust?’” Stephanie recounts. (There it is—a “why” question). 

Being older, Seb began to wonder why his family put Max at the center. This could fuel animosity between the two brothers, but Stephanie exercises sensitivity and transparency when answering Seb. She gives him space to express his feelings towards Max, even when they aren’t always positive. Sometimes, she takes him out for merienda where they talk about things, and uses this time to explain things to him at kid-level. These days, Seb is more understanding and even protective of Max. Being made to feel equally loved and important as Max has allowed him to embrace his kuya role lovingly.

Finally, Stephanie advises parents to be honest with special needs kids. One day, they may become just like Max who asked her a big “why” when she was least expecting it. He realized that he was going to two schools while Seb was not. He asked Stephanie why this was.

She says, “When I felt he was ready I just shared with him that he has what’s called ‘Autism Spectrum Disorder’ and that really means that you have superpowers because your brain works differently than others.”

In showing him his “superpowers,” she focuses on the things he’s good at to keep him on the right track: she commends him for being social, a good communicator, and able to follow instructions. 

As Max matures into pre-adolescence, she’s preparing to deal with the hormones, feelings, and teenage wishes for independence. She’s ready to cheer him on or offer a helping hand, whichever a future scenario calls for—and this is how it should be.

Neither parent nor child needs to be limited by autism. It is not a roadblock, only a different path to the irreplaceable experiences that define parent-child bonding. Parents can still look forward to their kids hitting milestones, even if they digress from the mainstream, whereas autistic children, with their superpowers, still deserve to feel the excitement of growing up and finding their answers to life’s many whys.

Why some kids are born differently than others is a hard question to answer objectively, but Stephanie and Max’s story so far offers one perspective. If a child has superpowers, they must have come from somewhere. Perhaps, those too are passed down from a mom (or dad) with comparably amazing abilities to love unconditionally, support fully, and give boundlessly.

Stephanie Zubiri is an author, journalist, motivational speaker, Reiki practitioner, and a podcaster at Soulful Feasts.

Photos from @stephaniezubiri

Transcription by Arci Claveria