8 Things That Fuel Speeding Into Love
Whirlwind romances can be very alluring. We’ve all seen it in movies and, more than likely, have a friend or friends that jumped right into it and somehow made it work. The thing is, going from zero miles per hour to hitting the pedal to the metal in a romantic endeavor could eventually lead to crashing and burning.
So if you find yourself starring in your own Fools Rush In movie with different leading partners, these things may be stopping you from stepping on the brakes:
1. You’re clueless about you.
Most of us, to a certain extent, have trouble navigating where we start and others finish. Meeting others usually leads to quickly adapting to that person’s ideas and interests. It could also be that you rely on others so much for a sense of who you are that you jump into anything that makes you feel alive. Not having a sense of who you are can come from subsconsciously becoming a people-pleaser during childhood. If this feels like the case, then maybe it’s time to step back and find your true self.
2. It feels like love has to be earned.
Jumping into relationships that are unhealthy despite a "stable" history? It probably wasn’t as healthy as you thought. You were likely given markers or checkpoints by your family for being loved—”behaved”, “in charge”, and the like. That eventually solidified into a core belief that you don’t deserve love as just being yourself; you have to earn it. In adulthood, this can lead to always wanting to feed what others want to the point of being brought into the desires of the person you’re dating before you realize it. Which is in fact, unhealthy.
There are two kinds of dependency here: that of a codependent personality, and counterdependency.
Codependents are people-pleasers who often date problematic people under the illusion that they can "cure" them. This often involves heavy gestures to prove you’re healthy and helpful for them.
Counterdependency, on the other hand, is a fear of real intimacy. While it sounds like a contradiction, the intensity of this quality could lead to manipulating things into moving at a quick pace. When counterdependents finally make the decision to open up, they’re possessive and demanding; it’s a lot of quick force. Which one could be you?
4. Your attachment style is rooted in anxiety.
According to “attachment theory," we need to have a solid bond with a caregiver in our childhood so we can have healthy relating styles as adults. Without it, we end up with problematic attachment styles as adults. This leads to being heavily dependent very fast just to cope with extreme worry about being abandoned or rejected. Then you cling on to your relationship as much as you cling on to your dear life.
5. Boundaries don’t exist for you.
Setting limits on how people treat us is called “personal boundaries." Healthy relationships involve both partners’ respecting and learning each other’s boundaries. Without boundaries, saying "no" is virtually impossible. The main pitfall of not having boundaries is easily the panic and resentment that can eventually occur.
6. You may have a psychological disorder.
One of the main symptoms of adult ADHD is impulsivity. Not thinking things through before doing them, such as leaping into romantic relationships, can fall under this.
Emotional intensity, oversensitivity and an intensive fear of rejection, on the other hand, come from borderline personality disorder. These lead to a quick attachment in order to gain a sense of safety. But best to ask a professional for this!
7. You’re addicted to love—or relationships.
People with addictive personalities can get high off of other people. It can also be a "replacement addiction," especially for those who recently quit substance abuse. So your partner may well be your “addiction at the moment” and not the “love of your life.”
8. You’re clueless about healthy relationships.
Growing up with a parent who was in and out of relationships that ended badly or without an example of a healthy relationship at all can influence your take on relationships. Having no clue as to what is or what is not healthy in relationships can absolutely lead you to just jump from one to another until you find a "quick fit."
Does any of these resonate with you? Is it time to seek help for slowing down in terms of relationships? There are many books in the market that talk about healthy ways of dating, and those are an acceptable start. However, if your issues possibly stem from childhood trauma or a disorder that could be undiagnosed, looking for professional help is recommended.
Just talking about your unhealthy relationship habits with a licensed professional (counselor or therapist, for example) can work wonders. Their professional, informed take by asking proper questions after they’ve listened can get you going on a path to slow down and move forward at a safe pace.
OUR EXPERT:Rica Cruz, RPsy is a Psychologist, and Sex and Relationships Therapist with the Ateneo Bulatao Center for Psychology Services. She is also a faculty member of the Department of Psychology at the Ateneo de Manila University. Her expertise focuses on Filipino sexual behaviours with an emphasis on sexual pleasure and relationship satisfaction. She opines that sexual empowerment for Filipinos is sexier than sex. :) FB Page: www.facebook.com/TheSexyMind Twitter: @_ricacruz IG: @_ricacruz