To Stalk Or Not To Stalk His Ex? Plus Other Relationship Advice
On resisting the temptation to shop, lie and stalk a husband’s ex
In time for Metro's new series: Love and Sex with Doc Rica on Kumu, we went through some of our favorite stories from the working mom archives about love, sex, and relationships.
Ever since my husband’s ex-girlfriend started liking and commenting on his Facebook post, I found myself stalking her on social media. I’m worried that they are becoming good friends again. Am I jealous or what? How do I snap out of it?
ANA: Stalking your husband’s ex-girlfriend simply shows that you don’t feel secure in your marriage. Instead of stalking the girl, have a talk with your husband. Be frank and tell him that you feel uncomfortable about this renewal of ties that’s going on between him and his ex-GF. Whether or not it is a threat to your marriage is out of the question—it’s about you feeling emotionally secure in your marriage. It is a need that your husband has to address.
BELLE: Yes, honey, you are jealous! And paranoid for that matter. And while these feelings of yours are totally understandable, I think that it’s more important that you trust your husband. If you feel really strongly about it, talk to your husband (in a calm, non-accusing voice) that it is making you uncomfortable and discuss ways on how you can work around it. Lastly, just click on the ‘Add friend’ button—it’s a subtle way to let the ex know that you are paying attention. And, who knows, you might even end up being real friends with her!
CATHY: It’s normal to feel jealous, but figure out why you feel this way. Is it because he treats this ex differently from the way he treats you? Or is it because she was able to reconnect with him in a different way? Or is it just you being insecure? Either way, it’s best to let your husband know how you feel... in your most gentle voice so he won’t get defensive and understand your side of the story.
Online shopping is my stress relief! However, admittedly, I have a tendency to overspend. How do I resist this temptation?
ANA: It’s hard when you have all those shopping apps installed on your gadgets, alerting you when there’s a sale or there are new arrivals. If you can’t resist the temptation, uninstall the shopping apps, and go online shopping
only when you need to and when the budget allows it. To avoid overspending, set a budget for your personal shopping and stick to it. Paying the items via COD instead of using a credit card might help regulate your spending.
BELLE: Honey, you and I both! Here’s a technique that I use: I set a budget for myself every month, and then I take screenshots of all the items I want. That way, I can review everything, eliminate the items that I don’t really need and stick to my budget. I also set a day of the month to buy everything—if it’s out of stock by the time I check out my cart, then it’s not meant to be! Instant savings, hahaha!
CATHY: Been there, done that! Lesson learned? I wait it out. I put them all in my watched list and let it sit for a few days. I do go online almost every day, and look at these items that are in my checkout box. Some days, I let it stay. Some days, I delete. This way, I control my impulsiveness, and make sure I buy what I really “can’t live without.” Good luck!
My husband doesn’t like it when I go out with my male college friends. What I’d do is simply lie to him, so I can join our occasional get-togethers. But I’d feel guilty afterwards. What do I do?
ANA: Then don’t lie! Instead, invite hubby to join in the fun. This way, he’ll find out for himself why this group of male friends is important to you. Stop thinking like a single woman, and put yourself in your husband’s shoes. How would you feel if you find out he’s hanging out with other girls?
BELLE: Think of it this way, if you don’t like your husband hanging out with the opposite sex, whether they are friends
or colleagues, then it’s perfectly fair that he feels the same way about you hanging out with other men. I’m sorry, I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt, but why would you feel the need to lie to your husband just to be able to
go to these get-togethers? Here’s a suggestion: Why don’t you tag your husband along? Surely your friends won’t mind. Maybe they can also bring their spouses! It’ll be a great way to form new friendships, and to assure your husband that these meetings are harmless. Then you’ll be free of guilt!
CATHY: Let me ask you, can you live with the lies? Because I can’t. And would you want your husband to do the same thing to you? Go out with his female colleagues and lie to you? I don’t think so. Best to sit down and ask him why, maybe there really is a valid reason why he isn’t comfortable with the idea. If there isn’t any, then why don’t you invite him to go out with you and your male colleagues? Who knows, they might become the best of friends, too!
ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
Ana works in a multinational company and enjoys fitness marathons with her husband.
Belle is a work-at-home mom with a homeschooled daughter, a decision agreed upon together with her husband.
Cathy opted to be an entrepreneur, so she can manage her time to take care of her husband and four children.
This article was originally published in Working Mom February-March 2017 issue. Check out Love and Sex with Doc Rica every Thursday, 9PM on FYE Channel on kumu!