When Your Husband Is Not Enough: Ongoing Internal Conflicts Between Staying In The Marriage And Having Your Needs Met By Someone Else 

We commonly talk about the husband’s philandering ways, but what if the reverse is true? It may come as a surprise to many that even women do stray from their marriages. Here are examples of such affairs: 

 

THE ‘GOOD FRIEND’ AFFAIR 

Friendships between the opposite sex do not stay within the “friend zone.” A male is most likely to fall in love with the girl that he confides in while the female will bask in the attention. A feeling of intimacy is developed, which will naturally lead to physical expressions. 

 

Lilia has been having an affair with a former neighbor, Nestor, for the past 20 years. Fidel, Lilia’s husband, knows about it, but does not do anything because Lilia is the family breadwinner. He has had a string of unsuccessful businesses and has had episodes of depression. 

The two couples first became neighbors as newlyweds. In time, Nestor and his wife, Mary, moved up in their respective careers and to a gated home while Fidel and Lilia remained in the old house of her parents. Much to Lilia’s disappointment, Fidel turned out to be a depressive and dependent person, who could not hold a job for long. This unreliability caused her to be disillusioned in her marriage. 

To augment the family income, Lilia engaged in different kinds of businesses on the side. Nestor, trying to be a good friend, supported her efforts. Their friendship soon grew into a full-blown long-standing affair as they continued to confide in each other. 

Both couples have opted to retain their marital relationships despite Lilia and Nestor’s affair being an “open secret.” Both have become callous to the effects of their illicit relationship. Mary lost herself in work and caring for the children to cope with this situation. Fidel remained dependent and depressed. 

 

THE CHILDHOOD  CRUSH AFFAIR 

Mia is having an affair with Frank, who is her husband’s’ first cousin. Mia and Frank grew up together and were best friends. Mia was bored with her older husband Pons. Frank married his childhood sweetheart Ley, who is also Mia’s friend. Family life has been a mess since they have been found out. 

 

Mia married her husband, Pons, 25 years her senior, right after college. He lavished attention on her and seemed an exciting person at the time. Mia looked forward to the life that Pons had to offer. 

Frank was Mia’s childhood crush and she was secretly disappointed when he married Ley. Both Mia and Frank worked in the same industry and bumped into each other often. One evening, they ended up in bed together. From then on, both looked forward to such opportunities where they could spend some time together during “official” out-of-town trips. They do not talk about their relationship. 

One day, Ley, a work-at-home mom, learned about Mia and Frank. This confirmed her suspicions. At a loss as to what to do, she immediately confronted Mia, who simply denied it and was “insulted” that her best friend would think of her in that way. The same thing happened when Ley tried to talk to her husband. On the other hand, Pons seemed unfazed about the news. 

In her mind, Mia believes that her trysts with Frank were, for the most part, unintentional, except that they could not keep away from each other. Sex, which she does not get much at home, is wonderful with Frank. She denied most of her guilt towards Ley and their families, making herself believe that she deserves this relationship. 

This news broke apart Mia and Ley’s extended families, and caused a lot of confusion among the relatives. It took a few years before Mia and Frank broke up, due to the pressure of having to face the silence that was created by their relationship. Soon, Pons passed away and Mia migrated abroad. Frank and Ley are still together, mending their family from this trauma. 

 

THE ‘I HATE YOU,  DON’T LEAVE ME’ AFFAIR 

Dysfunctional relationships are a breeding ground for affairs. When needs are unmet and yet the marriage becomes indispensable, it is easy to find  satisfaction elsewhere. 

 

Ben and Lyn have always had a rocky marriage. They had gone through several separations but have reconciled repeatedly. They have 6 children. In between the 3rd and 4th child is Tina, who is Lyn’s daughter with Mario.

Lyn and Ben had their first child when she was 16 years old. They lived a tumultuous life together—fighting and getting back together repeatedly. Both were aggressive towards each other. Each reconciliation resulted in another child being born. Until Lyn got back at Ben for having a string of affairs with other women by having her own affairs, too. 

Lyn found Mario interesting and thought he was everything she wanted in a man. But once Mario found out she was pregnant, he abandoned her immediately. 

The pregnant Lyn ran back to Ben, who reluctantly accepted his wife and her daughter Tina, who was sired by Mario. Their lives together became much more troublesome, though Ben was kind to Tina and raised her as his own. Both Ben and Lyn had two more kids after Tina despite their dysfunctional relationship. They might not like each other but also cannot live apart from the other. 

 

Why women turn to having affairs 

Most of us women are naturally committed to our husbands. Some of us may, however, find ourselves straying. The diagram shows the different ways by which a woman can be vulnerable to finding her unmet needs elsewhere. Here is a short explanation of why this can be so: 

 

 

• Lack of security. Security is one of the basic needs of a woman. This means not only in terms of finances, but especially in physical, emotional and psychological security. A feeling of being safe with your partner counts more than we know. 
• Lack of intimacy. A wife needs to be connected with the most important person in her life. Sex is only one of the ways to achieve this. Conversation, a light touch, a look, short phone calls, small dates, asking about her day are other ways to show she is wanted/needed. 
• Incongruent lives. When your lives are different from each other, the likelihood that you will find others interesting is high. Boredom, absence of common interests will likely send her looking elsewhere. 
• Feeling unappreciated. A woman who does not feel appreciated is vulnerable to looking elsewhere to meet this need. 
• Abandonment. This can be psychological, emotional and physical abandonment. The hurt that you feel is valid when your husband is only physically present. His preoccupation with gadgets or being a workaholic are sure ways of being abandoned. Mary buried herself in work and caring for the children to cope with the situation. 

In sum, a woman can also wrongfully get into the track of infidelity as a way of coping with her unmet needs. A husband who knows how to keep his wife safe and happy will receive fidelity and loyalty in return. 

 

How to avoid getting into an affair

• Confine intimacy to your husband. Confiding in another man is a sure sign of danger. Your husband may not be fulfilling your needs and you are looking elsewhere for these to be met. Stop and find ways to go back to your spouse. Likewise, a man who confides in a woman will eventually fall in love with her. 
• Speak out. Don’t keep your thoughts to yourself, especially if it is about issues in your marriage. Find the time to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Men are not good at guessing or even feeling their way through their relationship. But if you can guide him on how to keep you happy, he may just surprise you with his efforts. 
• Limit exposure to any particular man. You may end up idealizing and comparing him to your husband. That can be a sticky situation and it would do well to save you and your family from all the troubles you could get yourself into. Take care of your thoughts. 
• Be grounded in your values. It is important that you hold on to the values you have lived by. Using your values to meet challenges in life will promote growth for yourself and your family. 
• Grow your spiritual lives. To have prayer and faith constantly at the center of your family life will protect all of you from straying. You and your spouse can overcome any and all obstacles in life if you learn to trust in prayers. 

Keeping a marriage requires lots of hard work from both spouses. It takes understanding, time, love and affection to make such a partnership last long. On the other hand, the rewards of being loyal to your husband are plenty and worth more than the adventure of an illicit relationship. 

 

This article first appeared in Working Mom magazine June-July 2017 issue

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash