8 Signs You Are In A Sexless Marriage—Rekindle Your Sex Life Now!
As a sex therapist, I’ve constantly encountered couples who ask me how to "rekindle" their sex lives. Most of them have been stuck in a sexless rut for years. What do I tell them? Get help ASAP. Because once you’ve stopped having sex and stopped seeing sexual intimacy as an important part of your marriage, it is a fast route into a dark place of sexual void. Most couples think that’s fine, but what they don’t know is that this lack of sex may actually be a sign for more problems to come. And who wants that?
In fact, though most of married people are satisfied in their relationships, almost half of them are dissatisfied with their sex lives (or the lack thereof.) However, broaching the subject to their respective halves can be quite intimidating, especially if the connection that was once there is already lost. What do they do, then? They find satisfaction somewhere else, somewhere they can get it easier. Go figure.
So if you find yourselves in this sexless marriage, then it might be time to ask for professional help. A marriage counselor or a sex therapist can help you find ways to explore your issues openly so you can repair your relationship and in the process, make you want to do the deed and have fun in the sheets again.
Wondering if you are in a sexless marriage? Here are signs that say you may be:
1. You feel more like roommates than "sexy time mates." As we tend to underestimate the importance of physical attraction when we’ve been together for so long, we tend to end up in this comfort zone that may not be well conducive for sexy play time. If this is the case, then you might need to change out of your PJs/sweats and put on your favorite lingerie you’ve forgotten for so long; see if it’ll bring out that lustful yearning between you and your partner.
2. You don’t talk about sex. If you don’t talk about sex, it is highly likely that you’ll have a period with no sex in your marriage. Sexual communication is vital to a healthy sex life.
3. You don’t flirt anymore. Do you still remember the first dates you had and how it was filled with sexual tension? Bring those nights back again by flirting with your partner! Be intentional with the way your body moves to turn your partner on. Text your partner sexy messages throughout the day and create that anticipation to sharing an intimate night together.
4. You’ve stopped touching each other. If your only form of touching is the usual smack to kiss hello and/or goodbye, then that’s a sign of a lack of intimacy. Try kissing each other every night to bring back that touchy-feeling. The recommended length of the kiss? 6 seconds.
5. You literally have no time for sex (or each other). If your work or other obligations become your priority, it may be a sign that you’re avoiding something in your marriage. Intimacy, perhaps?
6. You’re giving all your energy to the kids. Having no time for each other isn’t just about work, it can also be about the kids too. Though yes, your kids need a lot of time, energy, and resources for proper nurturing, but it’s important that you should nurture your relationship as well. If all you do at night before you sleep (and even during weekends) are for your kids, then you’re neglecting a big part of your relationship. Remember, you can always have sex when the kids are asleep!
7. You find yourself thinking about having sex with another person. If you’ve gone too long with that intimate connection with your partner, then you might start fantasizing about having an affair. Though fantasies are perfectly healthy and normal, this type that you have may easily be enacted into reality.
8. You have sex less than once a month. You might say that "hey, we’re not totally sexless!" But when was the last time you had sex? If you have to think about it because it was "too long to remember," then you’re probably on that downhill path to a sexless marriage. The concrete definition of a sexless marriage is having sex less than 10 times a year. So count. If within the past year, you don’t get to use all your fingers, then it’s high time to get professional help.
OUR LOVE & SEX EXPERT
Rica Cruz, RPsy is a Psychologist, and Sex and Relationships Therapist with the Ateneo Bulatao Center for Psychology Services. She is also a faculty member of the Department of Psychology at the Ateneo de Manila University. Her expertise focuses on Filipino sexual behaviours with an emphasis on sexual pleasure and relationship satisfaction. She opines that sexual empowerment for Filipinos is sexier than sex.
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