Owning Your Power In The Bedroom # 1: How To Enjoy Sex And Peak Together
How would your rate the quality of your sex life? Many women today will actually say it could be better.
The good news, and you’ve heard this before; we should stop relying on other people to make us happy because we hold they key to making ourselves happy. More good news: we can teach others how to make us happy. The same can be said with our ability to achieve maximum satisfaction while having sex. How can we expect someone to make us happy and give us an orgasm if we don’t know what it takes to fully satisfy us?
Our next set of articles from Working Mom magazine were produced to encourage women to speak up and own their power in the bedroom. Making an effort to know what you want and asking for what you want will make lovemaking a more meaningful and pleasurable experience for you-every time.
Men and women differ in all ways—especially physically. Yet this is where the magic begins. Our bodies are made to fit together perfectly and while we wish everything would run like a precise clock, there are little nooks and crannies that have to be smoothened out.
Q. My husband seems to enjoy sex more than me. It takes so much more for me to become aroused and reach orgasm. Is there something wrong with me?
A. There is nothing wrong with you. Physiologically and psychologically, women are different; most women need more time to get aroused and stay aroused to fully enjoy sex. Men are physiologically wired to get aroused and ejaculate more quickly. Women need more time to be comfortable enough to get into a sexual mood and maintain it. So, take your time!
Employ your husband to help you explore your body and discover what kind of foreplay works best for you. Consider viewing adult videos, reading erotica, or even masturbating together (or each other). It can be a fun and sexy way of strengthening your relationship and growing intimacy!
Q. What are the Ways that both my husband and I can reach orgasm together (at the same time) during sex?
A. While the masses still posit that couples are supposed to orgasm at the same time, this does not hold any water. Simultaneous orgasms are the exception rather than the rule as simultaneous orgasms are very difficult to achieve.
However, if you and your partner are willing to explore and hone your skills towards this, there are a couple of ways to help you do that: Employ clitoral stimulation during penetration—to quicken your orgasm to match your husband’s, you may want to touch yourself or let him touch you instead. If you’re extra kinky, deploy toys!
Control the position—the Woman On Top or Reverse Cowgirl positions are advantageous as they allow you to set the pace and receive plenty of clitoral stimulation. If you feel that your husband is close, you can slow down then gently rock back and forth. This will help build up towards climaxing together.
Look up then practice CAT (Coital Alignment Technique). Remember, real sex is nothing like porn. Let things occur naturally by focusing only on giving and receiving pleasure without expectations, remember that “the journey matters more than the destination.”
Q. My husband finishes before I do— how do I make him hold it off?
A. Conquer this by first letting your husband know how you feel about him coming too quickly. Then work on the issue together. Take short breaks in between bouts. This allows him to pace himself, while you (or with his help) work on yours. Have him go down on you or creatively stimulate your clitoris.
Q. I am conscious of the time it takes me to reach orgasm. Any tips on how to make things faster?
A. Elevated arousal is key to reaching orgasm quickly. This can be achieved through bountiful foreplay. Yes, I said “bountiful.” Take note! Foreplay doesn’t need to happen with your husband around—you can pursue foreplay by yourself, way before intercourse. Fantasize. Tease. Be naughty. Sustain it to the point that when sexy time materializes, you are as ripe as ripe can be.
Q. It’s harder for me to hold my “pee” after I have given birth (normal delivery). I keep thinking it will be embarrassing to accidentally pee while having sex! How can I stop myself from letting this happen?
A. Doctors recommend regularly performing Kegel exercises, which strengthen the pelvic muscles around the vagina. Consider limiting your fluid intake prior, and taking a quick pee before having sex. If you feel that you need to urinate during a bout, do not be embarrassed to take a quick bathroom break.
Q. Sometimes, I feel like I need to “help” my husband by stimulating myself, but I feel he might get offended if I do. How do I say it or do this without making him feel bad?
A. Oh honey! Men are visual beings, especially when it comes to sex. It’s easy to think that he will be offended if you take control by stimulating yourself, but in reality, most men will be turned on by this. So go ahead, take the lead, touch yourself, and give him a show. You’ll be surprised at how good this will make you both feel.
Q. I feel like my partner doesn't really know how to give me an orgasm. How do I tell him?
A. Before I answer your question, let me ask you: do you know how to give yourself an orgasm? Because your partner will never know how to give you The Big O if you yourself can’t get there on your own. Rrrright?
Then again, almost all men would be very happy to accompany you there. When they see you holding on to dear life while you get that release—that gives them a kind of ego boost that makes them feel more manly. However, the sad part is many of them aren’t sure about what women need in order to make that happen. So how do you school him?
Give him lusty lessons by showing him where, how, and when to touch you. Start by guiding his hands where you want them to be. If you’re feeling a little frisky, you may also pleasure yourself in front of him. Give him that show of a lifetime, and for sure he would aching to be part of the action and would be more than happy to learn how to take you over the edge. A little reminder though: be sensitive to his ego. Make him feel that you yearn for him and stay seductive and gentle while you lead him as he takes you to ecstasy.
Q. I want to do a Round 2, but he gets exhausted right away. Any tips?
A. Sorry to say honey, but not everyone’s always ready for Round 2. Women actually have the capability to be aroused seconds after the first home run, but the men need to go back to warming up. No matter how much he wants to get up and romp again, his body just won’t let him do it. Why? 'Coz men aren’t so lucky (kidding!). Men go through a recovery phase called the male refractory period (MRP), the time post ejaculation when a man won’t be able to have an orgasm again. This can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. Yes, and I’m not kidding this time.
A lot of factors can affect this recovery time, but one of the biggest factors is...age. As men age, their refractory period lengthens. Men in their early 20s can orgasm again after 2-5 minutes; in their late 20s, after 15-30 minutes; in their 30s, would take 30 minutes or more. For men in their 40s, it can be as long as 3-4 hours; and with men in their 50s, it becomes even longer, sometimes up to 12 hours. I know, right? But yes, we have to respect that. That’s nature’s way of sperm check and balance.
But if you really want to go for Round 2, agad agad, how can you lessen the wait time? Increase arousal. Spice things up! Wear that lingerie. Watch sensual porn. Rent a hotel room. Add a little bit of sexual play, say... handcuffs? Small efforts to change the routine can add excitement to make him want to pump again.
But remember, you wouldn’t want to pressure your man. He’s got his fingers, his tongue, or even sex toys to help you get that second home run. #takeitfromthesexpert
OUR LOVE & SEX EXPERT
Rica Cruz-Evangelista is a Licensed Psychologist with the Ateneo Bulatao Center for Psychology Services, and a faculty member at the Ateneo de Manila University. She trained in sex therapy and counseling at the University of Guelph.
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