Rekindle Your Passion With Sensual Playtime
Sex ain’t (just) serious business. There’s a fun side to it, too!
“HOW DO WE GET IT ON IN PUBLIC?”
My hubby and I were watching The Ugly Truth and personally, I got intrigued with Katherine Heigl’s vibrating panties! Do we have that here? I have this fantasy of using toys in public (much like Katherine’s dinner scene), and my hubby is game to play with me! Any tips for our private public display?
Let me just start off with a personal disclosure: I have that fantasy, too! Isn’t it exciting to have a sort of secret handshake (only with another part shaking) that only you and your husband know? Yes, it’s arousing sexually, but it also facilitates a certain kind of trust and intimacy between you two! Some tips for first-timers:
1. Set Ground Rules. When you enter a sexual relationship, it is imperative to set rules. Though playing with toys may seem basic, bringing it out in public should entail that you guys talk about where and when it’s okay and NOT okay to be remotely stimulating each other, e.g., any place of worship; business meetings; while driving.
2. Assign A Safe Word. Because your partner is the one in control, you have to be able to let him know when you’re waaaay over the edge or too uncomfortable for anything explosive. The safe word does that. Be safe. Have that.
3. Take A Chill Pill. Because it’s something new, most people become too excited to get their partner to the Big O. Remind yourselves that it’s not a race. Relax. Enjoy the sensations. Take pleasure in watching each other squirm in delight!
4. Share. I know it’s your fantasy, but toys can be shared, too! If your hubby is up to it, why not take turns and share the thrill of being controlled? You’ll never know what you’ll discover!
5. Be Discreet. Though you may share the thrill, this sexy thing is not for everyone, so it’s best to be considerate of others while you engage in this risky, kinky, act! As for the presence of vibrating panties in the market, I am not certain, but you can try and look at Ilya Sex Store in QC for awesome vibrating paraphernalia. [Ed's Note: We checked, and it's here!]
"MY TOYS MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED.”
How can I let go of the guilt when I use my toys? There are times when I feel that I’m as dirty as my used toy. Is it just me who feels this way? Should I stop using them?
Oh dearest, you’re not the only one who feels that way. In fact, a lot of women (and men) experience sex guilt. And sex guilt doesn’t just occur when you use toys, it occurs with anything sexual! People experience guilt with sex because of how the society we’re raised in focuses on sex as being something negative. But then, we discover that it’s actually good for us given the right circumstances (especially with toys!) Through therapy, I’ve helped people shift their focus from the bad to the good and actually enjoy sex free from this debilitating guilt. Though it doesn’t happen overnight, here are some ways to freedom:
1. Learn To Play! Sex is supposed to be fun! You said you like toys. Well, what are toys for? Play! When children play with toys, do you make them feel shame or guilt? No. They play with their toys with fun, free-spirited, exploration! Your toys are there so you can freely explore your body and not be ashamed of it.
2. Take Power. You know what’s another fun thing about toys? You can use them all by yourself! Though it is exciting to have someone else to play with, sometimes we discover more about ourselves when we’re alone. Focus on how liberated you feel when you’re only thinking about your pleasure and no one else’s! And nope, that’s not selfish at all. It’s called self-love.
3. Accept The Guilt. When you start with your play, negative thoughts will come rushing in. What do you
do with these thoughts? You accept them, and deliberately let them go. Fighting them by shutting them out will only make you feel guiltier. Instead, set them aside and focus on the pleasure you feel. In time, you will unlearn that guilt by inspiring sexy pleasure.
This article was originally published in Working Mom December 2017-January 2018 issue.
OUR LOVE & SEX EXPERT
Rica Cruz-Evangelista is a Licensed Psychologist with the Ateneo Bulatao Center for Psychology Services, and a faculty member at the Ateneo de Manila University. She trained in sex therapy and counseling at the University of Guelph.
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